The single biggest fear during my professional career in design has not been failure.
It’s been success. It’s always been success.
Success is scary because there are expectations we place on ourselves to do it again. When you're successful in any way, you push yourself to live up to those expectations. And if you don't, you can feel worse than you felt before you were successful.
My brain is beautiful, but it's not very kind to me.
The more professional success I had, the more anxiety and shame I developed. Despite me progressing in ways beyond what I could have imagined, my inner monologue told me I was a fraud, and that some day, everyone will see me for who I really am. My thoughts spiraled between feeling immense pride in my accomplishments and deep shame for feeling proud of myself. As a result, I’ve hidden most of my success not only from my peers, community, friends, and family, but also from me.
It’s taken a long time (and a lot of therapy), but time has given me something I could not have had when I was younger. It's my choice to becoming something I want to be. It's possible to be proud, and share that sense with others, while not being a narcissist. I can be powerful and humble at the same time.
I will not hide anymore.
I’ve been fortunate, extremely fortunate and successful. During my career, I’ve have had mentors, teachers, friends, peers, and employers who have shared the gifts of knowledge, insight, patience, and trust. They’ve encouraged me to become more than I could have possibly imagined, to live a life I could not — should not have expected. These gifts have played a major role in my success.
The thing with these gifts though, is they are not mine.
They don't belong to me, and I’ve been borrowing them for far too long. Sharing these gifts now is about allowing my own light to shine, embracing the discomfort of success, so that I may help others to do the same.
When we liberate ourselves from our fears, we are in a better place to help liberate others. My oath to you is to continue from this day on, to become powerful in hopes it may provide us both power every day.
We deserve it.